Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Well, it was about 1:30am, Monday night (or Tuesday morning if you wanna be technical).. I was trying my best to fall asleep because I had a job interview the next day. Buuttt of course, I could not fall asleep. I tried everything, counting sheep (had to stop because I got to wondering why we count sheep, then why do we count sheep and not pigs, or horses, or fish), tried clearing my mind and relaxing (but then I was just thinking about what I needed to clear out, that didn't work), I heard if you drank a glass of warm milk you'll fall asleep, so I drank some milk (well, cold milk because I think warm milk is just gross, then turned on my heated blanket and tried heating up the milk in my stomach... FAIL). I thought I was never going to fall asleep.
My sister always listens to music before she goes to bed, so I didn't think it would hurt to put my ipod on shuffle and listen a bit, in hopes it would drift me off to dreamland. Well that definitely didn't work. Music is my therapy. I love listening to the words of songs. Lyrics are just beautiful. No matter what kind of day I am having there is the perfect song to describe how I am feeling. I love it! So every song I listened to, I started thinking of times in my life where the song fit.
First song was "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood, and regardless of if anyone cheated, the song fires me up and I get a sudden urge to bash in the windows of a cheater, so I quickly changed the song. The next was, "Red High Heels" by Kellie Pickler, man, I couldn't tell you how many times I have played this song after a break up, getting ready to go out with your girls, looking your absolute best, hoping you see "him" to show him what he is missing. NEXT, "That's Not My Name" by the Ting Tings, uhhh this could possibly be the song of my life, EVERY single time I introduce myself its.. "Hi, my name is Prissy," I get "ohh Chrissy?," "Christy," "Sissy," or my all time favorite "Chrissy...?" Me: "No Prissy (make a prissy hand gesture, bring my arm up to my chest and flick my wrist) like with a P" The stupid idiot: "Ohhh ChrisPy" I have got that same conversation AT LEAST 7 times. Seriously? Really? Yes.. people are that dumb. THATS NOT MY NAME was made for me..
Well the next song, I have always sang, and knew all the words, because its a Taylor Swift song, of course I know the song.. but I have never actually listened to the words.. and I thought this song was the perfect song to describe how I am feeling right now:
"A Place In This World" by Taylor Swift
I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do
I don't know what I want. Really? What am I living for? What am I going to do with my life? I still have no idea. I would like to think I want a sucessful career in fashion, and I do. But I still don't know what I want to do in fashion? I am "just walking" down this road of life. I don't know where I am heading just walking. Hoping I am heading in the right direction. Not really sure. Kind of lost. In desperate need of some kind of GPS for life. But if I had one, I don't even know what I would type in for the destination.
I was in the interview (the one I was trying to go to sleep early for), and the lady asked me "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I know she was looking for me to reply with "I see myself done with college, with a sucessful career, looking to get married.. blah blah blah you know, the cliche thing everyone says..." but I didn't. After she asked I laughed and said "uhh, well honestly. I don't know. Its always changing, I don't know where I see myself. Ya know, I don't know where I'll be tomorrow." and neither does she, to be honest! We can't see into our future. We can't predict where we will be. We can only say where we hope to be and try going in that direction, but no one really knows. Needless to say, that was the wrong answer, it was probably waaay to deep for her, I probably freaked her out, and most likely won't get the job, oh well.
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
I AM alone. Yes, I have my family and friends, but I am alone to figure out what I want in life. No one is going to tell me where to go, what path to go down, and if they do I won't listen, I am going to have to figure that out that on my own. I am going to be strong. I have learned a lot in my 232 months on this earth (and yeah, I used a calculator to figure that out). I have made mistakes, and I'll make plenty more but I've learned from them and I've become a better person because of it.
But when it comes down to it... "I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world."
Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's ok
I am newly single. And yet I still hurt for this boy, I love him. But I have to move on, and maybe we'll end up together one day when we're more mature and ready to settle, who knows. But if its with him or someone new, I am wearing my heart on my sleeve, I am going to be vulnerable, I am not giving up. I want to fall in love again, I want to make someone happy, and vice versa. I might get hurt, again, but "it'll be worth it, when this all comes to an end, when I'll find my Prince, my darling, my friend." (quoting from my mother's poem, "Looking For One's Prince")
Tomorrow is a mystery, see I told you. Even T. Swift confirms it for me. :) it is though, I have no idea what tormorrow will bring. If it be a good day, bad, lucky, sad, who knows?
Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission
But I'm ready to fly
I am on a mission. On a mission, to live this life God has given me, to the fullest. I am going to quit hanging on to the handrails of life. I'm gonna let go. I am going to fly and enjoy wherever this life may take me. Joe Lewis, an English Billionaire, once said "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." I want to make my life count, I want to be remembered. We DO only live once, once CAN be enough. Now, I just gotta figure out how to do it right....